Lindsey's Journey to Self Acceptance - New York – Boudoir

For a woman who has spent most of her life avoiding cameras, the idea of being front and center for my very own photo shoot was anxiety inducing to say the least. I always saw myself as lanky, big-nosed, and awkwardly built. I’ve spent so much of my life picking myself apart; creating flaws that only I could see. 

After giving birth to two beautiful children in the last ten years, I find myself being scolded by friends and loved ones for casually calling my postpartum body “fat.” No, I am no longer a lanky, awkward size 2. I am an uncomfortable size 8. Now, before I hear the roar of annoyance and feel the stinging of your eye rolls, let me explain this discomfort on a level in which I have rarely spoken about.

In 2012, I was diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder. I was the person who spent far too long examining every inch of my body in a mirror,  critiquing every flaw and comparing myself to women I could never look like (think: Victoria’s Secret models). For someone who already had pretty severe social anxiety, this way of thinking was debilitating. It consumed my life to the point where I avoided wearing a bathing suit, refused opportunities to date, and slipped into a crippling depression. I decided to join a gym, began to eat the same bland meals and count calories every day until I achieved a body I was comfortable looking back at in the mirror. This routine lasted for roughly a year.

In 2013, I went on a blind date with someone who would unknowingly change my life forever. His name was Nick, and he was the most handsome dude I had ever laid eyes on. As soon as he turned the corner to meet me, my immediate thought was “ok, this is the first and last time I will ever see this guy. He is way too hot for me.” I couldn’t have been more wrong. For the last five years, Nick has watched me go through the ups and downs of my anxiety and body image issues and has done nothing short of make me feel like the most desirable woman on the planet.

While I still go to the gym somewhat frequently, I fully admit to being lazy. I love cheeseburgers, wearing sweatpants and NOT going to the gym. It’s a true tale of “letting myself go” in terms of becoming comfortable in a relationship. Nick has never judged me and my bouts of pure laziness. This man worships me from head to toe and I couldn’t be more grateful for that. He has without a doubt changed the unrealistic expectation I have for my body, although I do still suffer moments of self doubt and insecurity. 

I wanted to do something for Nick to show my appreciation for the obscene amount of attention and love he shows me (and my body). This is where Scott comes in. Scott approached me through social media with an opportunity to be a hair and makeup artist for boudoir shoots he would be photographing. Being an exciting new opportunity and experience to add to my résumé, I was quick to accept. I got to know Scott over the course of six months or so; exchanging numerous texts and emails, throwing out business ideas, chatting about family and the ups and downs of our day jobs. Scott had become a great friend and business associate whom I respect and trust tremendously. One day it just clicked - not only could Scott and I help each other build our portfolios, but I could use the opportunity to allow Scott to shoot me as a gift for Nick. April was quickly approaching and I had absolutely no idea what to do for Nick for his birthday. This was perfect. 

I spent the weeks ahead of the shoot full of anxiety. I resorted to going back to the mirror and on the scale, essentially killing any self esteem I spent the last five years building up. What the hell would I wear? The only “lingerie” I own are mismatched 5 for $20 panties from Target and years old, ill fitting bras. My hair is in the awkward process of growing out from a pixie cut, my belly is full of fluff and stretch marks from my pregnancy two years ago (and maybe wine - maybe) and I am constantly covered in war wounds from chasing around a toddler all day. This was truly my nightmare. 

I was able to discuss all of my insecurities with Scott and he was nothing short of reassuring. He told me to wear whatever I was comfortable wearing, even if that meant a t-shirt and jeans. I packed a duffle bag full of options and off I went to meet him at the Airbnb we booked in Albany (let me mention that I insisted I needed to have a couple glasses of wine for my own mental well being during this shoot, which he found hilarious but also had no issue with). The location was absolutely breathtaking. A small, open concept loft style apartment in the heart of downtown. The aesthetic was magazine worthy and the lighting couldn’t have been better. I sat and applied a set of press-on nails I purchased 10 minutes prior at Rite Aid. When it was time to change, my nerves kicked in to high gear (it didn’t help that the bathroom accent wall was one gigantic floor to ceiling mirror). 

I resurfaced in my favorite pair of jeans and a slouchy, low cut sweater. Scott told me where to stand and we began shooting. I was already sweating. Scott snapped a couple of photos before directing me to change angels, and my nerves slowly began to disappear. I didn’t have to worry about referring to all the Pinterest poses I studied that morning. Who knew simply exhaling through your mouth would result in such a naturally sexy facial expression?! Scott, that’s who. Before I knew it, I was on my third outfit change and feeling like Beyoncé. 

The day flew by and the shoot was over. Scott did such an amazing job making me feel comfortable, relaxed and calm. I sat there in my t-shirt and undies as we reviewed the photos, laughing at the in-between-blinks shots of myself and picking my jaw up off the floor at others. “I look like THAT?!” I was truly amazed at how stunning these photos were and at the same time realizing how hard I am on myself. 

I am so thankful for this experience. From our virtual discussions and exchanging inspiration photos, Scott exceeded every expectation I had for this shoot. He respected and considered every concern I had which resulted in unbelievably beautiful photos. I went into this thinking I was doing it for Nick, and I ended up realizing that in a way, I did this for myself. It has been years since I’ve felt comfortable with my body and I can honestly say this experience was life changing. While no miracle occurred in the way I see my body when I look in the mirror, surely there is a vast improvement. When Scott sent me the photos over the next few days, I shared every photo with Nick without hesitation. I was proud of my body, proud of myself. Thank you Scott for shifting my confidence, for showing me that it doesn’t matter how I think everyone else sees me, but how I choose to see myself.